People Pleasing – When being Nice becomes a problem

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Important note: Here the term ‘nice guy/girl’ is being used to describe a person who lacks boundaries and does things to gain other people’s approval. It is referring to those people who are taken advantage of because of their niceness. I by all means want you to be a good person who has morals, ethics and does the right thing. Being nice is good if you are not suffering the bad effects which I will be mentioning down below.

People pleasing is one of the most common problems that has existed in the history of mankind. The question is why is pleasing people a problem and since when did being a nice person become uncool.

People pleasing is the biggest problem for the individual who is a people pleaser. It is often linked with low self esteem and issues with self acceptance.

There are women out there who define their value from fixing a man who is abundant with problems. There are men out there who want to shower a spoilt woman with more love, affection and gifts only to receive nothing in return.

Nice people should understand that the first person they should intend fixing is they themselves. It is about understanding why one adopts these mechanisms anyway.

The are several problems that occur when one is a nice guy/girl:

1. Inability to say ‘No’: Nice people have a hard time saying no. This often leads to problems where in they perform favors to people which they end up regretting later. Imagine someone asked you to lend them a 1000 dollars and you had problems saying no to them. Later, that person may not return you your money and you might feel guilty asking that money back because you are a nice person.

2. Being taken advantage of: Nice people go out of the way to help others and other people don’t mind asking for more which nice people oblige to because in their mind being nice is a virtue. However, it leads to further exploitation.

3. Being taken for granted: Often nice people are taken for granted. Ironically this is very true even though they do everything they can to gain the validation and respect of people.

The thing is often nice people think that in order to be accepted they have to act this way. This is their way of providing value to people. There are issues routed deep in their self esteem which they haven’t come to terms with.

So, if by any chance you happen to resonate with the things that I have mentioned, I think you might want to look at your own psyche as to why it is the case.

Often times, when you question one thing, it leads to the next which leads further and further and then you start to understand a lot of things about you.

My personal takeaway after studying this behavior like I mentioned earlier is that these people have issues in their own acceptance and self worth.

Do you really want acceptance from other people at the cost of your own peace and integrity. Do you really want favors from other people because you feel you can’t get them on your own? Do you really wish to compromise your own worth because you are scared of rejection?

There is a difference between being a good person and being a nice guy who has no boundaries. It is important to understand that like I mentioned in the note above.

You have to do the right thing because a good person does the right thing. A lot of times the right thing is to say ‘No’. A lot of times the right thing is to cut people off. A lot of times the right thing is to have your own interests in mind especially when the other person is doing the same.

So, understand what is right and what is not. As long as you are doing the right thing you don’t have to worry about offending people. When you accept yourself you don’t need acceptance from others. When you rely on yourself instead of hoping others would help you for being nice, you become self reliant.

Understand where the balance lies and strike the right balance in terms of how you nice you should be and under what circumstances. Don’t be an unnecessary jerk who troubles people for the sake of not being labelled as a nice person.

Anyway guys, that was all I had to say. Hope you enjoyed reading. Let me know your opinion in the comments below.

Pic: Kurapika from Hunter X Hunter

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